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bookmark_borderExcruciating, unbearable pain (yet again)

Posted on by Marissa
Yesterday, I found out something horrible. Something that I did not know before, although it happened seven months ago. As a result of finding this out, I am in the most excruciating pain imaginable. Every minute is completely unbearable.
Obviously, the fact that the man that I love has been murdered yet again is pretty awful, as is the fact that my city now has an official holiday celebrating the obliteration of people like me from the earth. The entire city is now contaminated, and I therefore cannot get any enjoyment out of any of the statues, restaurants, coffee shops, stores, events, streets, parks, ponds, forests, flowers, or wildlife in the city, because literally everything in the entire city now triggers excruciating, agonizing pain. Adding to the pain is the fact that this decision by the mayor happened seven months ago and I didn’t find out about it until now. Because of the omnipresent potential for triggering excruciating pain, I typically do not seek out this type of information, and actively take steps to avoid it. But the consequence is that when I do find out the information, I find out long after it happens, making the whole situation even more upsetting.
I am aware that I could contact the mayor, work with the state Italian American organization to try to do some advocacy, contact local Italian American organizations, and/or try to do something with the town Republican committee to “fight back.” But honestly, the prospect of doing any of these things makes me completely sick to my stomach. I find these possibilities to be completely repulsive on a deep, fundamental level. It’s as if my soul is completely beaten down, has nothing left to give, and is rebelling at the prospect of continuing to engage in a useless, futile battle. What is the point of fighting for the man that I love if he is inevitably going to be murdered, and the only question is how quickly? What is the point of fighting if I am only prolonging his torturous, agonizing death? But also, I can’t live with the prospect of doing nothing, because then I would appear to be condoning what happened.
My logical mind cannot come up with an explanation for why Christopher Columbus matters so much to me, and why these things have such a profound negative impact. Despite knowing on some level that my perspective is irrational, I cannot see the bigger picture, cannot step outside of this perspective.
I know that in order to continue living, I need to somehow come up with a different way of viewing things. But I can’t. Nothing else matters but Christopher Columbus and the Confederacy. Nothing will make me feel okay, other than society collectively recognizing that I hold the moral high ground, and not the people who hurt me. And the odds of that happening are essentially zero.
I can’t escape from the laughing face emojis, the jeering comments, the nauseating public statements, the pompous and self-righteous social media posts, the insults of “traitor” and “insurrectionist” and “racist” and “colonizer.” I can’t escape from the images of the beautiful men that I love being lynched, dismembered, smashed to pieces, beheaded, burned. I can’t escape from a society that views the perpetrators of these atrocities as holding the moral high ground and the victims (me) as shameful. This is the worst torture imaginable, and I cannot see a path forward.

bookmark_borderReflections on five years of excruciating, unbearable pain (and a bully who finds this entire situation funny)

Posted on by Marissa

Excruciating pain coursing through my entire body.

Rage and grief combined in a tsunami of anguish.

Agony more severe than what the pervious version of myself even believed it was possible for a person to experience.

My chest feels like it’s being crushed in a vice, my stomach feels like it’s filled with rocks, my soul feels as if it’s being eviscerated.

Again and again, I’ve tried to find words strong enough to capture these feelings. Although I consider myself a good writer, with a large vocabulary, again and again I fail.

I could scream at the top of my lungs until my throat bled and my voice became hoarse, I could punch and kick until every object in my house was destroyed and my hands and feet were shattered into a million pieces, and it still wouldn’t be enough to express the pain that I feel inside.

Images of horror seared forever into my consciousness.

Hideous, gaping wounds that will never heal.

What was once a normal city square with a war memorial a century old, a war memorial that had never hurt anyone, now turned into something profoundly dark, contaminated, evil. An abomination.

Just one example among dozens, hundreds, all combining to fundamentally change the world from good to bad.

Actions that should never have taken place, leaving permanent scars on the landscape.

Actions so horrifying, so repulsive, so reprehensible, that a part of my brain cannot fully comprehend that they actually happened. Perhaps it never will.

One sickening act after another. Display after display of vicious intolerance. All part of a slow, inexorable chipping away at beauty, at happiness, at goodness. All part of an effort to destroy me, to destroy people like me, everywhere. All part of a brutal campaign to obliterate from the world everything that makes life worth living.

A city, a state, a country, an entire world transformed so that only people who are like the majority can feel welcome there. Only those who fit in, only those who obey authority, only those who conform to social norms, allowed to exist.

More times than I can count, I’ve considered suicide. Death has often seemed preferable to continuing on into a bleak future, slogging through day after day of a meaningless and miserable existence.

Five years of this agonizing pain. This weekend, in fact, marks the anniversary. A holiday that most people associate with cookouts, beach days, or remembering our soldiers, is forever associated with genocide for me. (Many will argue that this word is too strong, but I believe it is entirely appropriate.)

To someone named Gerard, this entire situation is funny.

The situation that I’ve described above is humorous, amusing, entertaining, even hilarious to him.

Clearly, Gerard has never experienced pain, and has never experienced suffering. If he had, he would not consider the pain and suffering of other people to be funny.

Seeing symbols of yourself, symbols of inclusion, symbols of your right to exist, smashed to pieces with sledgehammers as a mob rejoices and a brass band plays. Knowing that the bullies who want to eradicate you from existence will never be punished, will never be held accountable, will never even be criticized by anyone but yourself, will forever be perceived as holding the moral high ground in the eyes of society.

This is something that Gerard has never experienced, but I have.

There are no words that can fully describe what this does to a person, the pain that it inflicts, how profoundly it changes a person, forever.

Gerard’s jeering, cruel laughing face emoji does not reflect negatively on me; it reflects negatively on him. Gerard lacks empathy, he lacks morality, he lacks logic, and I would go so far as to argue that he lacks both a mind and a soul. Gerard does not hold the moral high ground. I do.

bookmark_borderRespecting people’s fundamental rights is not a “race to the bottom”

Posted on by Marissa

A recent op-ed in Teen Vogue by professor of “women, gender, and sexuality studies” Caroline Light purported to “explain the dangers of so-called Constitutional carry laws.” The op-ed claims that “national reciprocity is a race to the bottom, forcing all of us into a deadly ‘guns everywhere’ dystopia.” (source here)

There are a few things that need to be pointed out:

First, it is irrelevant that there (allegedly) are “dangers” of Constitutional carry laws. Constitutional carry laws are necessary, because anything else violates people’s rights. And people’s rights must be respected, regardless of how much danger is involved in doing so. 

Second, Constitutional carry laws are, well, Constitutional carry laws. There is no need to use the term “so-called” to describe them.

Third, national reciprocity is by no means a race to the bottom. National reciprocity means that states would be required to actually respect people’s fundamental rights. To characterize this as a “race to the bottom” implies that respecting people’s fundamental rights is somehow bad. And this, of course, is the opposite of the truth. It shouldn’t even need to be stated, but respecting people’s fundamental rights is not a race to the bottom, but rather the exact opposite.

And fourth, yes, national reciprocity does “force” all states to actually respect people’s fundamental rights. I fail to see how this is a bad thing. Respecting people’s fundamental rights is a basic moral obligation, so all states should be forced to do this. What exactly is the problem here?

Fifth, it is irrelevant that national reciprocity would (allegedly) create a “deadly” situation. As I stated above, rights must be respected, regardless of how safe or dangerous it is to do so.

Sixth and finally, a nation in which people’s fundamental rights are respected is not a “dystopia.” To characterize it as such implies that respecting people’s fundamental rights is somehow bad. And as I stated above, that is the exact opposite of the truth. A nation in which people’s rights are respected would be the antithesis of a dystopia. A nation in which people’s rights are respected is exactly the type of nation that everyone should be working towards.

bookmark_borderThe percentage of people who favor assault weapons bans… is irrelevant

Posted on by Marissa

A recent article in The Hill, about the reintroduction of an assault weapons ban in the Senate, states that:

“A November Gallup poll showed that 52 percent of Americans said they favor a ban on assault weapons, although higher percentages of Americans supported the idea in the past. Overall, 56 percent of Americans think gun control laws should be more strict.” (source here)

Just a reminder that the percentage of people who favor assault weapons bans is irrelevant. How popular or unpopular something is, has nothing to do with whether it is good or bad. Assault weapons bans violate people’s rights; therefore they are bad and should not be enacted, regardless of what percentage of the population supports them.

bookmark_borderThe absolutely disgusting reaction to the Nottoway Plantation fire

Posted on by Marissa

Last week, the Nottoway Plantation, the largest antebellum home in America, burned down. Despite the efforts of firefighters, the historic home in Louisiana was a total loss.

This loss is heartbreaking. As someone who loves history, the destruction of any historical site, landmark, or artifact is painful. The destruction of such a large and significant historical home should be saddening to every person.

Yet an enormous number of people have reacted in the exact opposite manner. Horrifyingly, thousands upon thousands of people have responded not with heartbreak, but with celebration and laughter. “Let it burn,” proclaim well-known political commentators. “What a waste of water,” social media commenters jeer. On posts by various news outlets, the “laughing face” reaction is either the most or the second most common reaction. Tens and sometimes hundreds of thousands of sickening, gleeful reactions and comments contaminate every piece of content related to this tragic situation. I’ve tried as hard as I could not to read these comments, but I’ve glimpsed a few, and what I’ve seen has made me both sick to my stomach and overwhelmed with rage at the thought that thousands upon thousands of similar comments exist.

It must be made abundantly and unmistakably clear: these ways of reacting to the Nottoway Plantation fire are absolutely disgusting, despicable, and disgraceful. It is not okay to react in this manner. These emotional reactions are not valid, and they are not understandable. They are simply wrong. People who react in this way are bad people. Period. Full stop. No ifs, ands, or buts. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the “people” who react in this way are not even really people at all. They are lumps of flesh and bone with no consciousness, no mind, and no soul. It is impossible for a being with consciousness and thought to react in such a heartless, mean, cruel, and nasty manner. It is impossible for a being with consciousness and thought to demonstrate such a complete lack of empathy for those who see the world differently than they do. The people – or rather, excuses for people – who react with laughing faces and jeering comments accomplish nothing other than demonstrating their own abysmal character, their lack of capacity for rational thought, and their complete, utter, and abject moral bankruptcy.

Thinking about this situation, and seeing coverage of it, makes me feel angry and sick. My heart hurts. The trauma that I’ve experienced over the past five years is resurfacing painfully, and dark emotions are weighing heavily on me. It is the same toxic and mean-spirited ideology of black supremacism that has motivated both the statue genocide and these sickening reactions to the destruction of a historical site. I will write further about this gut-wrenching situation when the agony has receded to a manageable level and I am able to think more clearly. For now, it is enough to say that I condemn these celebratory and gleeful reactions fully, wholeheartedly, and as strongly as it is possible for a person to condemn something.

bookmark_borderNo, Ilhan Omar did not learn from people impacted by her words

Posted on by Marissa

I recently came across a social media post in which Rep. Ilhan Omar attacks President Trump for having “trafficked in hate your whole life” and also claims, “I learned from people impacted by my words.” 

I dispute both of these statements. 

First of all, how, exactly, has Trump “trafficked in hate”? Which of his public statements and policy positions constitute “trafficking in hate,” exactly? Because I can’t think of any.

Additionally, Omar claims to have learned from people impacted by her words. So she’s publicly condemned the tearing down, removal, and vandalism of statues of Christopher Columbus and people who fought for the Confederacy? She’s advocated that the people who tore down these statues be severely punished, that the statues be put back in their rightful places, and that the people harmed by these actions be financially compensated? She’s advocated that Indigenous Peoples’ Day be abolished, and that the second Monday in October return to being celebrated as Columbus Day in every city, town, and state? She’s apologized to the people harmed by the war on historical figures, by suppression of political dissent, by violation of Second Amendment rights, by mandatory medical procedures, by anti-white racism? I’m pretty sure that the answer to all of these questions is “no.” Yet if Omar had actually learned from the people impacted by her words, these are all things that she would be doing. So no, Omar has not learned from people impacted by her words, and I know this because I am such a person.

bookmark_borderCool mini statue of Donald Trump in the Oval Office

Posted on by Marissa

A cool statue capturing an iconic moment:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by The White House (@whitehouse)

Source here

Dismayingly but unsurprisingly, one intolerant bigot wrote in the comment section, “WTH is going on now? Does the freak show ever end?” Because God forbid that statues be made which depict cool moments in history. God forbid that anything cool, remarkable, or beautiful actually exist in the world. Can’t have that. Apparently, for anything cool to exist in the world constitutes a “freak show.” Only bland, mundane things are allowed to exist. Sounds sensible and logical. Not.